my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
