Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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