I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
i think i just lost a toe
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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