From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
