When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
