Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
