I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
