TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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