if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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