So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
