I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
