I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Randomize
