i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
