so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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