You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Randomize
