dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
