The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
