I look better un-naked...
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
