1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
