I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
