My friends, they love my intelligence
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
