I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
