The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Randomize
