no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
