Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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