I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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