Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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