I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
