apparently the secret to your success is patron
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
