Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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