tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
