i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
