im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
