Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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