overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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