I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
