I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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