apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
