i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
