I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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