There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
He's a Shit stain on my heart
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
