I cannot find my penis.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
