i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Randomize
