i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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