Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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