Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
