It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
