Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
