Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I need to sanitize my soul.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize