i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
