He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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