that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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