my phone needs a breathalizer
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
