You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
