After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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