dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
