there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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