apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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