she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
