I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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