if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
farters have to be the big spoon...
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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