sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
