Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
