Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
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