I met the friendliest cop last night
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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