Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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