how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
