dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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