I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
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