Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
